I find myself stopping whatever I’m doing to do something else just because I can’t breathe right, my body is curling up in pressure and needs release. That’s when I usually whistle a jazzy tune, close my eyes taking a deep breath recaling all of my reiki symbols and think of all the possible positive futures, remember all my worries and end up dreaming awake about what will be and having day sex dreams. Next to my libido and endless imagination for things I quickly forget, whistling and rampant singing are my out of the world breaks. As long as I can breathe right my brain will sustain itself, fully fueled, to endure the painful boredom that’s been stricking me since birth… I’ve become addicted to this back and forth between stillness, stress and release.
Once I realised this, being a very young adult fresh out in the real world, I tried to live outside my own head for a change. A five year gap resulted in what I labelled and stored in the corner of my memory stockroom the sensorial days, as opposed to the sweet and free marriage between body and soul salad days of my childhood. I became addicted to a lot of things. I still am, in all fairness. Most of those things are sensorial, spiritual and emotional. For example, I love skin. The smell of it, the way light and shadow hit it, darkened skin, dark skin, light skin, old spotted skin, newborn silky skin, I think it is beautiful, I think it’s the closest thing to be truly bare with one another is to feel their skin, to touch and feel, it’s both an emotional and sensorial spiking joy I have about something physical.
Later on I found my way back into my head, reconciling my reason with my experienced body and soul, being very appreciative of oxigen, which is the soul responsible for my sustenaince and death. On a spiritual level, I can breathe and oxygenate my brain, which means clear thinking, which means I get to appreciate more of the things I’m addicted to, meaning I get to live while there’s enough oxygen, while oxygen deteriorates every part of me, every part of the living things I love.
This whole existence thing is twisted. I knew I couldn’t have the good without the bad but I left every myth and religious faith behind to acknowledge that this isn’t unfair because it is simply not inflicted on me or any of us, it’s the causality we’ve developed enough into through god knows how long to fail to understand what it is. It’s to die laughing, this whole thing. I gave it up.