Don’t bend; don’t water it down; don’t try to make it logical; don’t edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.
― Franz Kafka
As I have written here before, I have been experiencing a lot of self doubt and rejection on matters I feel strongly about, even about my craft which is the cleanest reflection of who I am and what I stand for.
In the past months I’ve been pushed and bent almost to the point of cracking and breaking, I was made feel like it was a part of the process of learning a trade and bowing down to those who were seasoned. Fact is I only needed the knowledge and the example, not the domination, not the exploitation of my position in hierarchy. This process meant a lot of dwelling within me, making up my mind wether to see it through to the end or moving on. I’m not one to give up on what I’ve set my mind to do, so I provided I played it their way, but my goal was to steal every bit of knowledge from them, since I was in disadvantage, I had my eye on the tools, not the winning cup, I leave cum laude for the scholars. What I want is to mash what I’ve learnt with my obsessions and pursue an even tighter one. I almost split into two versions of me, one that was scared of not being good enough and another one, too proud and angry. I had to trick’em into giving me what I wanted without getting noticed and, therefore, escaping unpunished and intact from their grip, free to do my own.
Like in all forms of knowledge, technique oriented only oriented training doesn’t mean great performance, and if technique and standart procedures are taught, how do we evolve? Where’s the innovation? Only a few break the mold thinking creatively, breaking the rules they’ve been taught, thus contributing to the further questioning and improvement of their craft. We all need to take chances and think outside the box and pitch our obsessions, making them noticed and seen. What’s there to lose, anyway?