I find myself stopping whatever I’m doing to do something else just because I can’t breathe right, my body is curling up in pressure and needs release. That’s when I usually whistle a jazzy tune, close my eyes taking a deep breath recaling all of my reiki symbols and think of all the possible positive futures, remember all my worries and end up dreaming awake about what will be and having day sex dreams. Next to my libido and endless imagination for things I quickly forget, whistling and rampant singing are my out of the world breaks. As long as I can breathe right my brain will sustain itself, fully fueled, to endure the painful boredom that’s been stricking me since birth… I’ve become addicted to this back and forth between stillness, stress and release.

Once I realised this, being a very young adult fresh out in the real world, I tried to live outside my own head for a change. A five year gap resulted in what I labelled and stored in the corner of my memory stockroom the sensorial days, as opposed to the sweet and free marriage between body and soul salad days of my childhood. I became addicted to a lot of things. I still am, in all fairness. Most of those things are sensorial, spiritual and emotional. For example, I love skin. The smell of it, the way light and shadow hit it, darkened skin, dark skin, light skin, old spotted skin, newborn silky skin, I think it is beautiful, I think it’s the closest thing to be truly bare with one another is to feel their skin, to touch and feel, it’s both an emotional and sensorial spiking joy I have about something physical.

Later on I found my way back into my head, reconciling my reason with my experienced body and soul, being very appreciative of oxigen, which is the soul responsible for my sustenaince and death. On a spiritual level, I can breathe and oxygenate my brain, which means clear thinking, which means I get to appreciate more of the things I’m addicted to, meaning I get to live while there’s enough oxygen, while oxygen deteriorates every part of me, every part of the living things I love.

This whole existence thing is twisted. I knew I couldn’t have the good without the bad but I left every myth and religious faith behind to acknowledge that this isn’t unfair because it is simply not inflicted on me or any of us, it’s the causality we’ve developed enough into through god knows how long to fail to understand what it is. It’s to die laughing, this whole thing. I gave it up.



tudo da verdade e da mentira,
trago sempre esta frescura,
persista o silêncio ou perdure
insensata a prudência
vossa de reiterar inocência
antes  que a palavra a descure.



Routine 1,2,3 from the top

Wake up, gitty up, love, go for it, have coffee, cum, eat, drink, bathe, dance, pet your cat, run to the train, coffee to go, sit on the stairs, love, wait, read, read some more, love, read a whole chapter, music, strut, work, love, have a laugh, get angry, love, question your life decisions, fear and plan, tone your thought, love, take the stairs, exercise, be assertive, be frontal, be transparent, save your words, love, have ideas, imagine, feel the sun, drink water, love, drink some more, eat, have sex dreams on the train after work, love, read on the train, have sugar, do something different, participate in some project with your honest words and required wisdom, work out, sweat, love, drink lots of water, persist, tunel vision, limits, love, the here, the now, arrousal, strength, walk home, love, make a phone call, say lovely words, love, feel less happy hanging up, love, complete a 20 minute walk, love, get home, shower, cum, moisturize, dance, love, cook dinner, make it dirty, love, don’t wash the dishes, eat proudly, love, eat from a boul, have icecream, watch some stupid series, behold the living results of your works, feel horny, try to remember your daily to do list, fail at it, love, have a martini, grab your book, love, read, love, enter the zone, love and do whatever. There is only now.